


I just want you to know (this is me trying)

by infiint



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Freeform, Getting Back Together, M/M, Mention of JohnTen, Mutual Pining, NCT Ensemble - Freeform, Nomin are boyfriends, Self-Acceptance, a lot of taylor swift's lyrics references, and a lot of cliches too, basically mark accepting he isn’t as straight as he thought he was, internalised biphobia, kinda slow burn, some actual helpful advice?, spicy but not explicit, super minor chenji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27862049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiint/pseuds/infiint
Summary: No matter what, Mark would always come back to Haechan, and Haechan would always come back to Mark too. They thought that was enough, that, even if they were all torn up, if they were together, it was enough. But enough and what they really needed were two completely different things.And Mark realised that only when it was already too late.OrA getting back together au with a lot of angst (but also fluff bc I’m not a heartless bitch. Unless… o_o)
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 97





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I was listening to folklore for the nth time an October morning in a pretty sad mood and next thing I’m doing is opening a word document after saying “never again” to writing years ago, and this is the result. (Kinda messy, kinda cringe, but I managed to finish it so I guess I’ll publish it, y’know, for the girls and the gays and my friends that convinced me to do so).  
> Please note English is not my first language so there might be some grammatical mistakes.

For Mark Lee, everything with Haechan was right in all the wrong ways. They were too young, too dumb and loved too fast. They ran and chased each other, running out of breath as running out of time. For Mark, every moment they shared was _beautiful_ , painful, frightening and breath-taking. A perfect storm he wouldn’t change for anything in the world; he just couldn’t. Even when it hurt and his heart ached and they dammed each other and the moment they met; and even when they screamed and cried and broke each other’s heart so many times.

No matter what, Mark would always come back to Haechan, to his smile, so bright he thought it could eclipse all his demons and fears; to his voice, sweet as caramel as he sang him every night to sleep; to his lips, the most addictive drug he has ever tasted, no matter what he would always come back to him. To the longing stares across the room, the hushed whispers between just the two of them, the shared giggles under messy bedsheets and the stolen kisses behind cameras.

No matter what, Mark would always come back to Haechan, and Haechan would always come back to Mark too. They thought that was enough, that, even if they were all torn up, if they were together, it was _enough_. But _enough_ and what they really needed were two completely different things.

It was a warm spring afternoon, summer around the corner and Haechan’s soft voice the only sound breaking the room’s silence, probably humming a random song stuck in his head as he checked his phone, head resting on Mark’s lap as the older played leisurely with his hair. He was letting it grow, locks now long enough to cover his eyes and Mark loved it, but he’s sure that, no matter what hairstyle the other tried, he would love it anyways.

It was relaxed, quiet and _familiar_. They would usually sneak out of their rooms just to spend the afternoon, maybe even stay the night, with the other whenever they felt stressed, sad or simply missed each other; just the two of them, enjoying the comfortable silence and each other’s mere presence. And today was no different.

What was different though, was Haechan’s voice breaking before he could end the song into a quiet sob, face quickly hidden behind hands and shaky shoulders. Mark’s eyes fixed on the younger but he never stopped playing with his hair, hoping it would help Donghyuck to calm down; at least just a little.

“Hey… what’s wrong?” Mark’s voice wasn’t more than a hushed whisper but loud enough to make the other look at him with teary, puffy eyes. The sight broke Mark’s heart, and he casually thought he would be capable of literally anything if that meant he could keep the younger from crying ever again.

“It’s just-” Haechan cut himself, letting out a shaky breath and looking at the older boy looking for an answer Mark wasn’t sure he could give him. The thought sank his heart even more. “I’m just worried, I guess? When we’re like this I feel so happy that I can’t help but wonder if it’s all in my head, I can’t help but wonder if _this_ ” he gestured at the space between them as in front of Mark, who already missed his warmth but would never admit it out loud, it was a way too scary thought to do so “whatever _it_ is, will work, if _we’ll_ work out”.

Those words cut through Mark like daggers as the younger looked at him with big teary chocolate eyes, asking him silently for something, _anything_ that could put all his worries to rest, asking him something he couldn’t quite understand. All he knew was that he was just as concerned as him, just as afraid, lost and insecure about everything about _them_. However, he managed to give the other a small smile as he reached to cup his face, thumb caressing the other’s cheek, and when Haechan’s eyes closed and instinctively leaned into the touch Mark felt himself melting and falling once more, but that was something he didn’t even dare to give a name to. _Maybe this is enough_.

“It’ll be okay” his voice came out unexpectedly assured, his eyes darting for a quick second to the other’s lips but he quickly dismissed the fleeting thought of closing the distance between them because if he reached out first, it would mean _something_ , and, even if they went astray, all he could do was follow “I just feel better when we’re together, y’know? And that’s what really matters.” That stole a smile from the younger, but it was too weak for Mark’s content so added “At the end of the day I’m just glad we met each other and if soulmates really exist, I’ve already found mine and that would be you”. And that seemed to be enough for the younger as he smiled at Mark, stars in his eyes, and kissed his cheek. _Maybe this is enough._

He told Hyuck that and he was the one who broke his heart.


	2. This is me trying

Everything around Mark was on fire, his heartbeat erratic and hammering fiercely inside his ribcage, so loudly he could hear it pounding his own ears as Haechan kissed the daylights out of him. The brunette had his hands cupping the older boy’s face as he deepened the kiss more and more and _more_ , making Mark’s head spin and he thanked god they weren’t standing because he wasn’t sure he could trust his legs at this point.

They were on Mark’s bed, door closed even though they were the only ones in the 10th floor, and at some point, the younger boy ended up on Mark’s lap, thigs resting at both sides of him, caging him but we wouldn’t want to break free. Mark’s hands were trembling as he pulled Haechan closer, wanting more of the other boy, the few centimetres between them feeling too annoying to bare for much longer; all he could think about was Donghyuck, Donghyuck and _Donghyuck_. Donghyuck and his wet and messy kisses asking for more, Donghyuck and his mischievous smile, Donghyuck and his caramel skin, Donghyuck and the way he made him crazy and how he couldn’t bring himself to hate it.

Mark pulled away just a few millimetres, their foreheads touching their breaths mixing, irregular, lungs screaming for air. Something inside Mark told him things were getting out of hand, approaching a line that mustn’t be crossed, not yet, not like this, every touch becoming riskier and bolder, but, as he stared at the younger’s parted lips, swollen and glossy, his flushed cheeks and met his darkened gaze under soft bister locks of hair danger suddenly seemed like a good thing for Mark. So he ignored all the red flags on his mind and stored them at the back of his head.

He pinned Donghyuck against the mattress careful enough to not hurt the other but sudden enough to make the younger yelp in surprise, head thrown back into the pillow. He looked down, caging Donghyuck with his own body, arms resting at both sides of his head and hands quickly finding their way to Mark’s nape and _oh, god_.

He kissed Donghyuck again, hungrily and wet as he pressed their chests together, the other’s hands pulling out Mark’s hair as he ventured down to kiss every mole he found in the younger’s neck, sucking a little bit harder in a certain spot that stole a gasp from the younger. That’d probably leave a mark, and that simple thought made Mark’s pants feel a couple sizes too small as his hands ventured under the younger’s shirt, caressing every millimetre of hot skin they could find.

“Mark”. Donghyuck’s voice came out choked and shaky and demanded his attention but Mark didn’t listen, he _couldn’t_ , instead, he drowned himself again in caramel skin spattered with moles sucking and biting, devouring the boy under him like his life depended on it. His hands travelled further down until he cupped Donghyuck’s buttocks and pressed his lower body against the younger’s, which earned a loud moan from Donghyuck, his breath tickling Mark’s ears. And when he was about to completely lose his mind, that seemed to do the trick, making the older abruptly come back to his senses.

_This is bad, this is very, very bad._

It was too much; it suddenly was too much, and he wasn’t ready, not yet. Mark pulled out, finding the furthest place from Haechan in the bed and avoiding his eyes like the plague, like he wasn’t devouring the younger just a few seconds ago. He gulped, heart still erratic and loud in his ears and hands shaking. “T-This is wrong” He said, eyes glued to his hands, unable to look up and meet the other’s gaze. He was too much of a coward to do that.

“What?” The question slipped through his lips like water through fingers, traces of hurt and disbelief obvious through his composed façade, but Mark was too busy freaking out to care about his choice of words. He’ll regret it later. He knows he will.

“This is wrong, I-I think we should stop”. Mark finally found the courage to look up and look at Haechan and he wished he didn’t. He looked up to find his messy hair, his swollen lips and a path of hickeys himself gave him starting to bloom in his neck. He looked up to find his clothes hanging loosely and showing one of his collarbones, his flushed cheeks and his chocolate eyes looking at him like they were the only people in this vast world. _Mark has never felt so aghast in his entirely life._ It was too _real_ for him to handle, too sudden and he wasn’t ready to answer for his actions nor take responsibility for what was about to happen. For some reason, that thought sent shivers down his spine. “I think you should leave”. He added choking up in his own words.

Something shifted in Haechan’s gaze but he remained calm and soft and understanding and that only pissed Mark even more, but only because he felt he didn’t deserve any of that. He has fucked up so many times and he was about to ruin everything again, yet the other boy tried to reach out to pat his shoulder reassuringly, like freaking out midway a make out session was a very normal thing to do. Mark drawn back, not being able to handle the other’s touch, and he pretended he didn’t see hurt shadowing Donghyuck’s expression. “Mark, calm down, we can talk it out-”

“JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” He regretted his words as soon as they escaped his lips, breath hitching as heartbroken clouded the younger’s eyes, but he didn’t shed a tear, not in front of him. _Now he’s really done it_. His heart sank and an apology started to form in his mouth but he knew it was already too late. Hyuck stood up, out of grasp, out of reach, and left the room in dead silence; leaving Mark suffocating in repentance as tears soaked his cheeks, knowing he’d fucked up for real this time.

-

“So” Johnny says taking a sip of his coffee and getting Mark’s attention. His eyes were fixed on the younger and Mark felt he could read him like an open book. He’s never felt smaller. “What happened?”

It was an easy question and Mark couldn’t say he didn’t see it coming. He has locked himself in his room for two whole days, only going out to use the bathroom and eating half of what he normally would; letting guilt and regret gnaw him alive. Mark couldn’t say he didn’t hear the worried whispers from the other side of his door saying his name and Donghyuck’s mixed up with _what do we do_ ’s and _I’m worried_ ’s nor that he didn’t know evading his problems wouldn’t do him any good; but he was just too ashamed of himself and his words and Mark just didn’t know anymore.

So, when Johnny’s eyebrows raised, urging him to explain, he said the only thing that was clear amidst all _this_ mess:

“I fucked up” he said, the lump in his throat threatening to break his voice “I fucked up for real and I think this time is beyond repair”. Mark tried to fight the tears clouding his vision but it was an already lost war.

“Mark,” The older sighed, putting his coffee aside, folding his hands in front of him. There wasn’t a single trace of anger nor annoyance in his voice; just worry and a bit of disappointment, and, for some reason, Mark felt like he was 8 again and his father was scolding him about something bad he had done. He hated it. “I will need you to tell me exactly what happened or I won’t be able to help you”.

So Mark does.

He tells him his head was a mess, that he didn’t even know himself anymore. He told Johnny he was always the one hesitating, the one who would let his cowardice win over him and the first one to give up every time. He tells Johnny that, on the other hand, Haechan was fearless, lionhearted, self-assured. He was more mature than him even though he was younger and the one who told him he’d wait for him while squeezing his hand and gifting the older the most blinding and beautiful smile ever.

“It’s like I’ve been avoiding all these questions for too long and when it got too real I kinda freaked out and yelled telling him to leave?” he’s so hesitant the sentence comes out more like a question than a proper explanation. “He wasn’t even mad at me, he just leaved in complete silence and he looked… defeated. And the worst part is that I don’t blame him”. His voice breaks and, for the first time in all the years they’ve known each other, the possibility of losing Donghyuck feels real, and it’s terrorizing.

They were at the nearest Starbuck’s after Johnny had literally forced him to put some decent clothes, stop moping around and dragged out his cave to talk things over coffee, far from peering ears. Mark was really thankful for him; he always seemed to have the correct answer for all of his doubts and questions and Mark knew he could always count on him, no matter what, and he wondered if he could help him with _this_ too.

Mark shifted in his seat awkwardly, playing with his fingers and suddenly finding the floor interesting when he spoke “I mean how did you deal with it? Realising you aren’t as straight as you thought you were?”. It wasn’t like his bisexuality was a secret, the older had told him a long time ago, but even if he hadn’t, Mark had two working eyes and a least one working braincell to put two and two together and realise the thing between him and Ten wasn’t just platonic.

The older, who was back at his coffee, chokes, clearly not expecting the sudden question. “Sorry but, I thought you guys were like, _officially_ dating and stuff?”

“Our relationship is- _was”_ Mark coughs and corrects himself, pretending changing present for past didn’t hurt him as much as it did. “complicated”. Johnny only raises one of his eyebrows as Mark finally finds the courage to look up at the older and finish his sentence. “It’s not like I don’t know the truth it’s just… kinda hard to accept it” and Johnny understands. It’s never easy. When you watch films or dramas it’s always the girl falling for the boy or vice versa, it’s never about the girl and the other girl or the boy and the other boy. They never teach you there are other possibilities other than straight; you just have to figure shit out in a society that tells you to get a job, find a girl, marry her and raise kids. And it sucks.

Mark has been pondering about this matter since teen days, but he always chose to ignore the facts and look to the other side. Sometimes, and more often than he’d like to admit, he felt like there’s something wrong with him, like he shouldn’t be like this, like he’s just confused and everything will come back to normal soon; but _soon_ never came, and Mark was left with a heavy heart filled with self-hatred and a feeling of wrongness he couldn’t shake off no matter how hard he tried.

It didn’t help when his teammates, his _friends_ came out to him. He loves Ten and how confident he is, he was super supportive fine when he found out about Taeyong so long ago, and he couldn’t be happier when Jeno told him he and Jaemin were dating as he smiled and said “ _took you two long enough_ ”. In fact, most of them were LGBT and proud and accepting and Mark would literally punch in the face any ass who dared to call them slurs, because he loves his friends and he couldn’t be gladder of them being part of his life, but when it came to accepting himself, that was a whole different story. He couldn’t help but feel like it’s wrong, what he feels when Haechan’s hands brushed against his is wrong, like _he_ is wrong.

He, sometimes and more often than he’d like to admit, felt wrong but, for some reason, when he’s with Hyuck he feels like being wrong isn’t that bad nor scary.

“Personally, I think it’s best if you two take a break, at least until you come to terms with yourself, Mark”. Johnny says interrupting Mark’s train of thought “I mean, if you two keep going like this” he offers the younger a sad smile as he reaches to squeeze his right arm reassuringly and Mark feels a little bit less alone “you two may hurt your relationship to a point beyond repair. And I don’t think neither of you want that”.

Mark smiles, small but sincere, and tries the cinnamon roll Johnny has bought him for the first time since they’ve arrived to the café; and Mark considers being more vocal about his problems instead of bottling all his worries inside. It was definitely a healthier choice.

“I know these talks are kind of awkward” Johnny added as he handed his card to the barista and giving Mark a look when he attempted to pay for his cinnamon roll “but you know that anything you need; you can count on us”.

-

It’s been exactly 5 days since he talked to Johnny, and a whole week since the last time he spoke to Haechan; and every second unbearable for Mark. The pair of eyes that used to look at him so warmly before refused to meet his, now cold, distant and foreign to Mark; the dazzling smiles the younger used to gift him were now nowhere to be seen; his touch, always present, missing, and Mark, who had once used the constellations on the younger’s skin to guide him home, was lost and empty, like a habit, looking for Donghyuck’s hand that’s not there.

This wasn’t the first time they’ve fought, but it was never like this and he wasn’t used to the silent treatment, and it made Mark wonder if they could ever be back how they used to. He missed Haechan. He missed his jokes, his loud laugh, his hands on his hair pulling it when they kissed, driving him crazy. He missed the quiet afternoons, the warmth of his body when he held him close and the taste of his lips, but, especially and over everything, he missed his best friend. He missed the person he once hated so much he was ready to give up his dream and go back to Vancouver; the person he had no other choice but to tolerate for the sake of the team and the one he inevitably grew closer to and now had become his main support and happiness; he missed his _sun_ more than ever in a never-ending storm.

It was like the same destiny that once used to cross their paths so they would always end up together was now messing with him and Mark hate it. He hated the physical pain in his chest every time they crossed paths, he hated not having his sweet voice lull him to sleep and he hated having to pretend his heart wasn’t an open wound as he smiled to the cameras and his teammates. He felt miserable, those days they didn’t leave each other’s side now so far away, like a far-off memory, a beautiful faint dream now out of reach. And now that he had woken up and he didn’t have him anymore, all he wanted was going back to Morpheus and beg him for a second chance to do things right.

He glanced at Haechan’s reflection in the mirror of the practice room and he sighed as his eyes avoided his once again. They were in the same room but he was so distant, and that only made Mark miss him even more. He had since the very moment Donghyuck leaved his room, door closed behind his back and an apology dying on his lips, and he knew it was all his fault but even so he couldn’t help but wonder what’d happen if he had done things differently.

“Still not talking to each other?” Doyoung’s voice interrupts his train of thought as he dropped next to Mark, sweaty and panting, but Mark’s was too busy staring at Haechan’s reflection to even flinch. He was talking to Taeil, joking and laughing, but he knew the younger better and the way his eyes didn’t light up when he smiled told him it was not sincere, and knowing it was his fault broke Mark’s heart. The raven haired shook his head, only registering the question seconds later, making the older sigh in frustration. “You know? Sitting around and doing nothing won’t help your case, Mark” He said and he sounded almost annoyed. “You will have to confront him eventually and waiting will only make things worse”.

The younger let out a hollow laugh, tearing his eyes off from Donghyuck for the first time that evening. “That’s easier said than done”. A ball of bile formed in the mouth of his stomach as he spoke, eyebrows knitted together and fingernails burning the palms of his hands. He knew it wasn’t Doyoung’s fault he was so salty and moody lately, and that he meant well, but it still pissed Mark off.

“I never said it’d be easy” the older said, eyes now on Haechan and Mark knew he knew, not just about the fight but _everything_. It wasn’t like he was trying to be subtle or anything but he suddenly felt exposed. “But it is what you have to do if you don’t want to lose him”. He patted Mark’s shoulder and left him, excuses even himself couldn’t understand dying on his throat as Doyoung’s back faced him, mockingly, and groaned exasperated.

Doyoung wasn’t the only one who had noticed the tension between the two of them. He notices Jaehyun and Jungwoo’s worried looks from time to time on his back, Taeil looks like he’s analysing everything the two of them do or don’t do, and when they were all together it wasn’t as loud as usual, and that only made Mark feel even more uneasy.

When practice is over, Taeyong asks him to stay a little bit longer as the rest of the group leaves to the dorms and Mark finds himself shrinking under his gaze, unable to look up from the spot between his two feet.

“I already have an idea of what’s happened” he says, and Mark is only able to nod, eyes still glued to the floor. “I won’t force you to tell me anything you don’t want to” and when Mark looks up, he only finds worry in his eyes, hands going through his hair anxiously, his dark circles appreciable under tired eyes and Mark can’t help but feel responsible. “But it’s been a week, Mark, and someone _needs_ to take the first step”. He says, hands resting on Mark’s shoulders and he knew he’s already spoken to Haechan, provably to no avail. He knew how stubborn he could be sometimes. Something inside him urged Mark to tell the older not to worry, that he’ll talk to Haechan and everything would be back to normal in the blink of an eye, but he couldn’t bring himself to lie so shamelessly, not to Taeyong.

Instead, he forced a feeble smile even himself didn’t buy and nodded, hoping it would be enough to convince the other.

-

Mark has lost count of how many days has been since then. He has lost count of all the times his feet would lead him to the 5th floor, never finding the courage to knock and face the younger; shaky _I’m sorry’s_ and choked _I miss you’s_ dying in his throat as he retraced his own steps back to the solitude of his room. Mark has lost the count of how many times his fingers had hesitated over Donghyuck’s contact, thumb tempted to call and ask him to _please_ come back, but never doing so, always too scared to risk another “ _goodbye_ ”, always too afraid to lose him again even though he already had; and he has lost count of how many sleepless nights he’s spent wishful thinking he could rewind and undo all the pain he’s caused to the younger.

His eyes drifted from his phone to the night’s sky and he wondered if the other missed him as much as he did, if he hurt as much as he did, if he’d care if he came back and if he could ever forgive him if he did. He wondered if he’d open the door with his distinctive smile, if he’d have him when he smiled him back from his front door, if he’d want him like he once did or if he’d tell him to go fuck himself and get lost. He wondered if Donghyuck hated him, or if he thought _he_ hated him. Mark could only hope he didn’t.

A soft knock on his door put a stop to his train of though and he sighs, not exactly in the mood to deal with whatever complain his flatmates had. If the towels were all dirty and unorganised it wasn’t his fault this time. With a sigh and fingers pinching the bridge of his nose Mark mutters a soft “come in”, ready to prove his innocence; but all his excuses died unspoken when he saw the figure standing at his door.

He found Haechan staring at him from the entrance of his room with big, cautious eyes, looking like a kid that had lost his mother in the supermarket. He had dark circles under his eyes, dry lips shut tight in a straight line and his oversized clothes looked even bigger on him tonight. Mark gulped feeling the bitter taste of guilt fill his mouth as he wondered if the younger had been eating properly. He suddenly forgets how to breath and he swore the 10th floor has never been quieter.

Mark gestures to his bed with shaky hands, heartbeat pondering erratic in his ears and mouth going dry, not trusting his ability to speak. Haechan nodded and closed the door behind him in dead and painful silence, eyes never meeting Mark’s, and maybe he was being a masochist, but Mark couldn’t look away from the younger as he sat, putting between them as much distance as the bed allowed, just as Mark did just before shit hit the fan weeks ago and the older would love to pretend it didn’t hurt him as much as it did. He didn’t think he could ever get used to Donghyuck treating him like a stranger.

“I think we need to talk”. Haechan breaks the silence, air between them so thick he swore he could cut it with a knife and Mark can only nod in response as Haechan sighs, looking genuinely tired and very much _unlike him_. “We need to stop this”. Mark sighs, releasing the breath he was holding, eyes fixed on his hands.

Having him, in his room after weeks deprived of his best friend suddenly was too much for Mark, his voice was too much, his chocolate orbs were too much, the urge to reach out to caress his cheek was devouring Mark alive and he didn’t know if he could bare it.

“Yeah, I know…” Mark admits, knowing the younger wasn’t talking about their fight but their relationship; the whole scene feeling like some kind of ugly Déjà Vu. They loved, they fought, they hurt and Haechan was the one apologising and trying to make things right for the both of them.

“I mean for real” the younger looks right into his eyes and Mark shivers. “If we keep going on like this...” Haechan closes his eyes and lets out a shaky sigh. Mark doesn’t dare to move. “Look Mark, I really, _really_ love you, but I don’t want to lose our friendship just because of _this_ ” he says gesturing at the space between them and Mark feels a lump in his throat threatening to choke him in tears. They weren’t dating and this wasn’t a breakup, but why did it feel like one? “You’re really important to me, like, literally the most important person in my life. And I don’t want to lose _this_ , I can’t even stand the mere idea of losing you and after that day and… Well, I almost do”. There are tears starting to roll down Haechan’s eyes but Mark’s body is still frozen and all he can offer is a weak smile he hopes could comfort the younger even if it was fake.

“I think that’d be the best option”. He said, but not at all meaning it.

The both of them were hurting as they faced each other, the wind outside filling the silence between them as Haechan mirrors his smile, as weak and phony, hoping for the best, and offers Mark his right hand.

“Friends?” He asks. He’s shaking, eyes still glassy and voice coming out hoarse and small, but there’s a glint of determination in his eyes that won’t let Mark look away. _He wouldn’t anyway_.

“Friends” Mark repeats after a short pause, squeezing the hand before him and he doesn’t know if he really means it or if his heart would be satisfied staying as just that; but at least he had Donghyuck back and that was enough for him.

_Or so he thought._

-

It’s been several months since that night, and everything was easier for Mark now he and Haechan were no longer fighting. They no longer avoided each other in the practice room and even shared dumb jokes and soft giggles in their way to the dorms. Mark would always look up to find caramel skin and pretty eyes, shiny from too much laughter, and his heart would always skip a couple of beats when their eyes met and the younger smiled tenderly at him finding himself mirroring the action. It was like starting over again, like replaying a game you’ve already beaten a dozen times and knew all the secret levels of, like meeting for the very first time someone you already knew like the back of your hand; somehow new but still familiar, and having Haechan back to his life felt like finally being able to breathe at easy again, like coming back home after a long, exhausting, tour, quiet winter evening, warm blanket around his shoulders, warm mug of chocolate between his hands. Being friends again was easy, as easy as remembering the lyrics of his favourite old song, and Mark had miss it. He’d missed Haechan and everything about him; from their bickering to his warm bear hugs, and no matter how hard he tried to hide it, Mark was a sucker for hugs. Specially Haechan’s, but he would never tell the younger or he wouldn’t let him hear the end of it.

But even when they agreed to stay as _just_ friends and Mark knew it was for the best, he couldn’t help the butterflies in his stomach every time it was just the two of them nor his racing heartbeat and flushed cheeks every time Haechan did, well, _anything._ And Mark hated it. He hated the way his eyes would unwittingly look for his silhouette as soon as he stepped into any room and the way he would sometimes scribble Haechan’s name next to his notes, but he specially hated the fact that no matter what he felt nor what he did, it was already too late.

During this time Mark would often find himself laying on his bed, thinking. A lot. He would find himself pondering about who he is, where he comes from, what kind of person he wants to become and how he wants to do it. He allowed himself to look back, from a different perspective and with an unprejudiced mind this time, and got to know young and confused Lee Mark. He saw his younger version struggling to find an answer to his so many questions, a younger self scared and ashamed of a part of who he was he couldn’t change no matter how hard he tried to, so he decided to hide it from the world, hoping it would just disappear over time. He got to know his younger self, forcing himself to _fit in_ and do what was expected of him, he had to be at the top of his class, he had to marry someday, found a family wishing he could actually do that instead of pretending, just because it’d be much easier; but he didn’t need to pretend anymore, because he’s finally found his answer. It’s okay he didn’t know then, but he knew now, and he wasn’t scared nor ashamed anymore. So what if he liked boys too? So what if he was an artist and not a doctor? So what if he actually liked Haechan in a not merely friendly and platonic way?

“Maybe you’re actually in love with him, Mark” Johnny’s words were as clear as day and as sharp as knifes, pointing accusingly at him every day since he’d told the older not that long ago. Mark remembers rolling his eyes at the older and noting in the back of his mind to never ask Johnny for romantic advice in like, ever.

“No shit, _Sherlock_ ”. He said as bitter as his coffee. It tasted terrible. “That _is_ the problem here, that I’m accepting that fact _now,_ after fucking up to the point I almost lose him for good.” Mark cringed at his own choice of words but how true that was nevertheless. “I just don’t want to fuck up everything again just because of these stupid feelings and my panicked bi ass”.

“So, you admit you’re a panicked bi?” Johnny laughs and Mark groans in defeat, coffee now forgotten. Whoever could drink that lacked human emotions or healthy tastebuds, probably both. That explained a lot about Johnny, actually.

“You’re missing the point”. The younger cried out hiding his face behind his hands, suddenly embarrassed, and Johnny laughed even harder at him. If there was a way to disappear and never be found ever again Mark would love to know.

“Sorry, sorry, I was just messing with you” Johnny said as he wiped the tears from his eyes, still giggling and not looking sorry at all. “You know, it’s kinda cute seeing you finally accepting yourself and stuff, like a _“they grow up so fast”_ kind of feeling”. Mark rolled his eyes but the smile curving his lips betrayed him. Coming to terms with himself after so many years of denial was nice, like finally being able to be 100% himself and being proud of what he once considered shameful and wrong. It was relieving in a way he never considered possible, and his friend’s constant support made it possible, and he has never been more grateful.

“Thank you I guess?” Mark laughed but he really meant it, specially to Johnny, who had to put up with him and his rants and his existential crisis since rookie days. Johnny laughed with him but his gaze quickly turned serious as he reached out to squeeze Mark’s shoulder.

“And so you know, you cannot undo your past mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do better in the future”. He smiled like a proud parent would do and Mark felt that, if Johnny said so, maybe everything would turn out just fine. “It’s never too late to do better, Mark, especially when it comes to loving someone”.

Johnny’s words were still loud in Mark’s ears days later on his way to the 5th floor to show Taeyong some lyrics he had come up with in a spark of inspiration that same afternoon (and he was quite proud of). Maybe Johnny was right and it wasn’t too late, but it hasn’t been that long since he thought he wouldn’t be able to talk to Haechan ever again and his fear of actually losing his best friend was stronger than him; so, when he found the younger in front of him, opening the door of the dorm instead of Taeyong, he knew he was fucked for good.

He looked down to the boy in front of him and everything around him just seemed to stop like those cheesy romantic movies he sometimes watches all by himself; air escaping his lungs and never wanting to come back. Haechan was wearing casual clothes couple sizes too big, his big glasses on and his hair messy, bister locks of hair standing in random directions in the cutest way possible, one of his collarbones exposed. It seemed like God was testing him and she knew all of his weaknesses. Mark forced himself to look at the ceiling in order to focus, this whole “ _having a crush on your best friend_ ” thing significantly harder now he knew he’s already had his chance but threw it away after destroying it completely.

“I came to see Taeyong?” He manages to say, his right hand finding its way to scratch his nape, the last part coming out as a question and half pitch higher than usual. Mark had to clear his throat; cheeks warm as an embarrassed chuckle forms in his chest. Fuck, he literally had _one_ job. He looks at Haechan and tries his best not to panic when he blinks blankly at him, mouth slightly open. (Yeah, he wasn’t lying about the panicked bi thing).

“Oh” the younger says dumbfounded, clearly not expecting to find Mark knocking his front door without previous warning. “He’s not home right now”. He adds with an apologetic smile, eyes dancing between Mark’s and a particular spot behind the older’s back, and then back to inside the dorm; like trying to decide something, but clearly unsure about it.

“ _Oh_ ” Mark mumbles kind of disappointed he couldn’t receive Taeyong’s feedback today, but his feet remained glued to the floor, refusing to leave just yet, a dumb question que didn’t dare to pronounce dying on his throat.

“He should be back soon though; you can wait for him inside if you want”. Haechan offered gesturing to the dorm behind him, and Mark finds himself accepting with a smile before giving it any proper thought other than _I’m already fucked, so why not fall all the way down?_

A complete mess greets him in the kitchen, all kinds of ingredients and cooking utensils lying around haphazardly and the sound Haechan’s favourite playlist coming out his phone filling the silence of the room.

“You were cooking?” Mark asks the obvious turning to face the younger, who was already behind the counter, shrugging at him nonchalantly as he resumes chopping some mushrooms skilfully.

“I was carving something Italian” Haechan explains, eyes fixed on his mushrooms, and, once again, Mark’s heart betrays him before he can do anything about it when he says:

“Do you need any help?”

It wasn’t a secret Mark wasn’t any _“first-class”_ chef, (he couldn’t even say he was _decent_ behind the stoves for God’s sake, he’s forbidden from his own kitchen for a reason), and it wasn’t a secret he was only digging his own grave when he offered, but before he could realise his (blatantly obvious) mistake he already had an apron on and some onions before him.

They started off as awkward and clumsy around each other; only soft music and the sound of knifes against wood between them, but the uncomfortable tension there was once between them was nowhere to be found and Mark couldn’t be gladder. Every now and then a soft _“like this?”_ from Mark broke the silence of the kitchen and the younger would always stop what he was doing on the spot to help him, which was, to be honest, pretty often, more often than was actually necessary. It was pleasant and warm; almost _domestic_ , each other’s presence as foreign as familiar and every accidental brush of skin against skin sent Mark’s heart skyrocketing; but the older couldn’t help but carve more. And if Mark asked for help just so the younger would shake his head and sighing exasperatedly, but a warm smile betraying his lips, and would warp his hand around his elbow, telling how to chop the onions or when he needed to add the mushrooms to the soup, it was his own business.

“Mark!” Donghyuck almost _screamed_ , and Mark froze on his spot, looking at the younger with worried eyes and praying silently to God and any deity he could think of Haechan didn’t chop one of his fingers off or something; he wasn’t exactly the calmer person when it came to emergencies. He relaxed just when he didn’t see any blood and no fingers missing but only a little.

“What?” He said furrowing his eyebrows as the younger stepped closer and _closer_ , his hand now holding his right wrist, hair soft and lips parted and oh lord, Mark wished he could kiss him right there, right now. The other cleared his throat stopping Mark’s questionable train of thought and took the bottle of wine he was holding from his hands, his cheeks slightly pink. Maybe he caught Mark staring and the older found himself hoping he actually did.

“When I said “please, pour some white wine over the rice”, I didn’t mean Doyoung’s expensive bottle of white wine he told the dorm not to touch unless you are Lee Taeyong and wanted to live to tell the tale, and I would not like to die just yet, Mark Lee”. He explains returning the bottle to its rightful place, rolling his eyes and handing Mark a small box of cooking white wine. In Mark’s defence, Haechan didn’t specify which _white wine_ he was talking about so grabbing the first bottle he saw wasn’t really on him. “Idiot”. He adds smiling playfully before returning to his spot behind the counter, and Mark suddenly feels fearless when he answers, a playful smug playing with the corners of his lips.

“You love this idiot though”. He hears Haechan laugh and he swears he could never get tired of that beautiful sound.

“Unfortunately, I do”.

Mark could only pray for Haechan to mean it in the way he wanted him to.

Almost one hour later, they were done, Haechan’s eyes were fixed on Mark’s expression, eyes glimmering, impatient and curious, as he tried the risotto the both of them cooked together (even though Mark was sure he did more harm than good but at least they had fun).

“So, how is it?” he asked and a small part of Mark wanted to tease him, only to see how he would react, if he would punch him playfully if he gave him a poker face or if he’d pout cutely. He was indeed very much tempted by the last option, but when he looked up from his plate and met his coffee orbs looking at him like he was the centre of his world, a tender smile betrayed his lips.

“Amazing” Haechan’s eyes lit in a way Mark swore he could see stars in them as he raised one of his fists in victory. Mark felt his heart do a backflip inside his ribcage and not only because the food was indeed delicious.

“Is that food what I smell?” Mark heard Johnny coming out of his bedroom on his sweatpants and a plain black tee, hair messy and eyes wide when he spotted Mark in their dorm. “Oh, hello Mark”.

“Are you in the mood for something Italian?” Haechan asked, reaching for the dishes behind Mark. Johnny seemed to relax after seeing the two of them were still on good terms and gave Mark a quick thumbs up as he mouthed a “you go, tiger” when Haechan wasn’t looking which made Mark roll his eyes.

“I’m always in the mood for food, especially if you’re the chef” He answered winking, too preposterous to be considered actual flirting, making the younger laugh out loud.

“Save that for Ten” Hachean retorts, still laughing, handling him a serving.

The rest of the 5th floor joined them short after coming out of their respective rooms, as Johnny, lured by the smell of homemade food. They all looked surprised to see Mark but neither of them mentioned anything as they helped to set the table for dinner and only relaxing after seeing the two of them laugh and bicker about how terrible Mark’s cooking skills were and his famous fried egg (yep, the one Gordon Ramsay noticed on Twitter and Haechan wouldn’t shup up about) like nothing ever happened between them. Maybe if he wasn’t so fucking _whipped,_ he would mind all the teasing and his pride being so deeply hurt, but there he was, laughing along to Haechan’s jokes and anecdotes, forgetting how to breathe every time the younger absentmindedly rested one of his hands on his thig as he spoke or leaned his weight on him when he laughed way too hard.

“You stay here chatting over tea, I’ll do the dishes”. Mark declared standing up from his chair when everyone was done eating. “Consider it a repayment for having me for dinner”. He added smiling. He wasn’t a five-star chef, but at least he could clean the kitchen without burning the house down. Plus, Haechan’s presence was becoming _too much_ and Mark needed a breather, or he might slip up and confess to his _best friend_ and his bright eyes and soft caramel cheeks.

“I can do the dishes myself”. Haechan protested, eyebrows knitted together and a cute pout forming on his full lips, and that was the second time Mark wished he could kiss those lips. “I was the one who dirtied the kitchen and today’s my turn according to our dorm rules” but Mark dismissed him wavering his hand.

“I insist, it isn’t like I was of much help anyway”. He smiled and the younger mirrored. He could feel all the eyes of the room fixed on them and their knowing smiles, but he only had eyes for Haechan; and he didn’t tear his eyes off of him until he saw him back to his seat next to the rest of the dorm, a beautiful shade of pink colouring his cheeks as the others teased him about something about _being the first time they saw Haechan so willing to do the dishes_ Mark couldn’t really catch.

The room around him became darker and quieter as time passed and the members of the 5th floor bid their _goodnights_ and _thank you for the food’s_ before leading to their respective bedrooms. Every time he would steal quick glances to the table behind him, he would find Haechan’s staring back at him, skin tingling with electricity as their eyes met and exchanged shy smiles that sent Mark’s heart skyrocketing every time he caught the younger staring.

“You really didn’t have to”. Haechan mumbled, head resting on Mark’s shoulder as the older whipped out his hands on his T-shirt, (a bad habit of his, his mother would always nag him about), the kitchen surrounding them suddenly dead quiet now the stream of water was no longer running. It was a common gesture the younger has done a million times before, but, somehow, this time felt different to Mark, more _delicate_. Or maybe he was just a little bit in love with his best friend and wasn’t scared of that thought anymore.

“Nah, it’s fine, I really don’t mind” Mark looked at the younger out of the corner of his eye, offering him a reassuring smile, he really didn’t mind doing the dishes; it was the least he could do. Haechan hummed in response as he shifted his body so they could look at each other, and Mark missed the weight on his shoulder instantly.

“Still” he said gaze fixed on the floor between his feet, hands playing with the end of his tee and cheeks tinted in a dark shade of pink under soft locks of hair. Mark thought about tucking his hair behind his ear and lift his face with his own fingers so he could stare directly at the boy in front of him. He didn’t dare to move an inch though and waited for Haechan to finish. “Thank you. It was fun. I missed _us_.” He added, stealing a couple of beats from Mark’s heart, even though he already owned it.

“I missed _us_ too”. Mark answered frankly, timid smile curving the corners of his lips and feet glued to the younger boy’s kitchen, refusing to say goodbye just yet. This night had felt like a dream and, like every dream, he was afraid it would disappear after waking up the next morning. And he refused to let that happen “We should watch a movie someday. Your choice”. Words were spoken before he could even realise he was the one talking, and maybe his head was still a mess, but his heart knew exactly what he wanted.

Haechan smiled at him, petite and timid, but sincere, nodding in response as Mark got lost in the sparkling stars of his deep brown eyes. “Yeah, we should”.

And with that promise on his lips, Mark left the 5th floor, heart light for the first time in months and it wasn’t until he closed the door of his room, cheeks hurting from so much smiling, and put on his favourite pyjamas he realised he’d forgotten to ask Taeyong about his lyrics. _Shit, he was really doomed_.

-

There were no dull days in the dream dorm, specially when the 7 of them were together. The sound of friendly bickering about Chenle being banned from choosing tonight’s playlist (mainly because he only listens to 127), loud laughter and conspiracy theories about humanity and aliens filled the air of the shared apartment as board games, cards, and late-night snacks lied haphazardly covering the floor of the living room. They were playing UNO, completely ignoring the official rules and placing a +4 after another +4 because it was more fun (except for the one who had to draw 18 cards, obviously. He hasn’t been the same person since the last time he had to draw 22 cards), and making the loser act cutely until the winner of that round was satisfied before starting another one.

Spending some quality time, the 7 of them, dumb jokes, night talks and no curfew was a very much needed breather from his daily routine, something as trivial as the promise of pizza and a bad tv show to watch together _not-so-ironically_ being enough to push all of his so many worries away, even if was just for tonight.

He smiles fondly at the scene in front of him. This time, it was Jisung’s time to swallow his pride and act cute until Jaemin was satisfied and, obviously, the pink-haired wouldn’t make things easier for the youngest “You have to be cutter, Jisung! That’s definitely not enough to let you pass!” He said as he pinched Jisung’s cheeks, eyes mischievous and toothy smile “Like this!” Jaemin added making a pose that earned fake gags from Donghyuck, Chenle and Renjun, a loud laugh from him, and the fondest eye smile from Jeno.

“Bro, you’re really _whipped_ , it’s embarrassing”. He said to Jeno, voice low and eyes on the scene before them. Now both, Renjun and Donghyuck, had allied with Jaemin and the three of them were teasing the living daylights out of Jisung as Chenle did his best to pretend he didn’t know anyone of the room as he huffed to himself something that sounded like “this is never gonna end”.

Next to him, Jeno rolled his eyes, not looking at all apologetic after being caught red-handed. “And you’re the one to talk”. He added, raising one of his eyebrows, making Mark realise his own fond smile while he was eyeing Haechan.

“Touché” He admitted with a small smile, raising both of his hands in defeat. He noticed something that looked like hesitation in Jeno’s eyes, but the younger said nothing. His own eyes returned to Haechan, he was now acting extravagantly cute too just to annoy the youngest, and Renjun looked like he was regretting all his life choices, especially the ones concerning his group of friends. Mark knew him better, and knew it was just for show though. “How did you do it?” The sudden question took Jeno by surprise and he blinked at Mark blankly, confusion written all over his puppy-like face “I mean like, asking each other and stuff. Making it official? Y’know. You and Jaemin?” Mark explained, voice low, tongue stumbling over his own words, hands fidgeting awkwardly.

Jeno’s gaze softened as his eyes focused on Jaemin. The later noticed Jeno’s gaze and smiled at him like he was the most precious thing in the world. The rest of the gang picked up on the cheesy exchange and got Jaemin’s attention back by hitting his arm and telling him something Mark couldn’t catch that got him laughing flustered, soft shade of pink colouring his ears matching his hair and making Jeno fall for him once again. Mark kind of envied them. Not in a bad way but more like in a “I want what they have”, in a “I wish Haechan and I could be like this too but I fucked up and that option is now out of reach and it hurts” kind of way.

“It wasn’t easy”. Jeno begins in a sigh, eyes still fixed on Jaemin’s laughing silhouette and interrupting Mark’s train of thought. “We’d been friends for so long that when I realised my feelings weren’t just platonic, I was scared I would ruin our friendship if I told him; that, if he ever found out, I would lose him forever”. He says staring at Mark and examining his expression, looking for something that confirmed his suspicion and Mark just knew he _knew_. He sometimes wasn’t sure if the way his friend was able to read him so easily was a gift or a curse “Turned out he felt just the same.” He added with a smile, eyes turning into cute crescent moons, and looking so… in love, the pure kind we all dream of “You’re asking me this because of Haechan, aren’t you?” He asked, but he didn’t even need to wait for Mark’s answer, the look in his eyes was enough to tell. Maybe he wasn’t the only one who was head over heels for a certain someone. His eye-smile grew gloom, and nodded in silent understanding “Y’know, there isn’t a guide-book about how to do things right but I really think you should tell him how you feel. If you’re sure about it and are ready to fight for it, you shouldn’t give him up. It may be hard but believe me, it’s worth it”. Jeno added the last part with the softest smile, reaching to squeeze Mark’s shoulder reassuringly, and the older could only nod in response.

“Okay, guys, enough ruining our friendship over UNO for tonight, it’s time for a _Twilight_ marathon, Whaddya say?” Said Renjun clapping his hands and earning a loud cheer from Haechan.

“You really know how to make the gays happy, _Injun_ ”. He said with a blinding smile and throwing himself on the sofa and almost crushing him in the process, but Mark pretended he didn’t notice how close they were sitting. “We’re skipping eclipse, though”.

“I see you’re a man of culture as well”. And just like that, Renjun hit the play button and their movie night began, some of them squeezed on the couch, some lying on the floor. “And no make out sessions in the dark, yes, I am talking about you two”. He added pointing at Jeno and Jaemin, trying his best to look intimidating but failing miserably. “Some of us are painfully single”. Jaemin let out a dramatic gasp and the whole room rolled their eyes.

“You’re insulting me by _even_ implying I would disrespect _Twilight_ like that”.

“You’re insulting Bella’s emotional speech about dying for someone you love by not shutting up”. Snapped Haechan, and that seemed enough to put an end to their bickering, at least for the moment.

“I mean, vampires are superior, and that’s a fact” blurted Jaemin out of the blue half an hour into _New Moon_ and earning a loud sigh from Chenle. “They’re immortal, cooler, rich and fucking _vampires,_ you can’t compete against that”.

“But I think you’re missing out the plot” Chenle replied through a mouthful of popcorn. “And when I say plot, I mean Taylor Lautner shirtless”.

“He does have a point there”. Mark chimed in, nabbing some chips for himself, and making the six pair of eyes in the room turn to face him, judgingly “What?”

“Not you too”. Mumbled Jaemin shaking his head with exaggerated disappointment, right hand on his chest. “We’ve lost another one to team furry”.

“I’m _NOT_ a furry!”

“That’s what all furries say”. Jeno spoke for the first time since their marathon began and it was to betray him like that. You could trust no one in this house.

“Oh, god” Renjun exhaled in a long sigh, rolling his eyes “Why are we arguing over team Edward or team Jacob when a whole Jaspers exists”. A no body could really object to that.

Three hours later, half of them had already left to their room or were snoring on the floor of the lounge, tiredness wining over them at some point of _Breaking Dawn_. It was almost 4 in the morning and Mark needed to get some sleep, but he just couldn’t; not with Haechan’s head resting on his shoulder, parted lips, and exhaustion visible through his sleeping features making his heart race. He couldn’t even feel his right arm and knew his back would regret this tomorrow, but he hadn’t the heart to move and wake the younger. 

“So”. Jaemin mumbled turning off the TV and putting a blanket over Jisung and Chenle who were sleeping soundly, sprayed on the floor, just like two little kids after playing too much until too late. “Have you made up your mind?” It took Mark a while to realize Jaemin was talking to him, and even longer to understand what he was talking about. He glanced over the sleeping boy next to him, snuzzling against his arm in his sleep and nodded, pink embarrassment burning in his cheeks. “That’s good. Both of you deserve a happy ending”. He smiled softly at the both of them but his eyes stopped on Haechan. “You should let him rest. He doesn’t look like he’s gotten much sleep lately”. A part of Mark wanted to ask him if he knew something he didn’t. Instead, he placed Haechan’s head on his lap so his neck wouldn’t hurt that much when he wakes up. “And you could use some rest too, no offense but you look terrible”.

“Thank you for the compliment”. Mark let out a breathy laugh. “But you’re right. I’ll try”.

“Good night, Mark”. Was the last thing he heard before surrendering to Morpheus, Haechan’s head on his lap, fingers playing with soft locks of hair, and dreams of sunflowers, warm smiles and brighter days.

-

“It’s 3 in the morning, Mark”. Haechan’s voice wasn’t more than a hushed whisper, tiredness ganging from every word he spoke, and Mark could almost see him rubbing his eyes at the other side of the phone. The thought made him wish he could actually see him. To be honest, he hadn’t thought this trough and maybe it wasn’t but a mere stupidity of his, but it was too late to back down now. They say love drives you crazy, and maybe he actually was but he didn’t care anymore.

“But the sky is beautiful tonight! So, are you coming or not?” He asks with a smirk half smile curving his lips, already knowing the answer to his question. When he hears a long sigh coming from the other end, his smile only widens.

“I’ll be there in five”.

It was a cold spring night in early April, winter refusing to leave just yet still present in the chilly breeze ruffling his hair, the redness of his cheeks and the numbness of his fingers. They walked side by side in comfortable silence, shoulders bumping, hands brushing but never daring to cross the small distance between them until they arrived to their destination. Mark was regretting not having brought a warmer jacket but he wouldn’t go back to his warm room and give up this moment; the silence muffling the nightlife underneath their feet, no clouds in the sky, only stars drawing constellations in the endless dark canvas above his head; the silver moon bathing the city in snowy white light watching them, promising to keep all of their secrets. But the breath-taking view couldn’t even come closer to the boy next to him.

Mark has spent all his life questioning himself, searching for the answer to all of his questions, not noticing that it had been there right in front of him all along. Ever since the time they were trainers and thought about quitting and going back to Canada so he didn’t have to see that annoying kid with puppy eyes and silver tongue that just wouldn’t let him live ever again, ever since the time that same annoying kid became his main support but also his greatest weakness, back to the time Donghyuck kissed him for the very first time a warm evening of late summer, hands shaking, lips unsure, feelings exposed; and Mark found himself kissing him back before he could process what was actually happening, ignoring the feelings inside of him he was so afraid to give a name to. His answer had always been there and, even after all the pain, all the heartbreaks and all the tears shed, it was still there, right in front of him, hands inside his pockets, mouth agape in awe at the picture in front of them, white breaths coming out of dry lips, and gaze lost in the skies upon.

“You were right. It’s beautiful”. The boy breathed out, looking away from the starts to meet Mark’s gaze for a second before looking up again, the smile he gifted him and the stars in his eyes far more beautiful than the ones decorating the celestial sphere.

“Yes, it is”. Mark answered in a hushed whisper, eyes glued to the younger’s silhouette and refusing to look anywhere else. _It had been always Haechan, and it’ll always be him_ ; everything now was crystal-clear and, for the first time since they’ve known each other, Mark knew exactly what to say.

_He had to tell him._

Mark took a deep breath eyes closed, heartbeat erratic inside his ribcage, and exhaled Donghyuck’s name, two different shades of chocolate meeting in the middle. He stepped closer and let himself drown in caramel skin spattered with moles drawing constellations he’s memorised like the back of his hand, messy hair and full parted lips he wanted to kiss as badly he needed to breathe.

“Mh?” Mark thought about Jeno’s words, about how he told him it wasn’t easy and, honestly, he’d lie if he said things between Haechan and him were easy. They were bound to collapse since the moment they first met, the both of them were aware of that fact, but they also knew they couldn’t live without each other. They defied destiny and their arguments became understanding, their hatred turned into admiration, and their _I hate you’s_ into _I love you’s_. They’ve literally fucked up in every way possible already, but, against all odds, their bond has never been stronger, and maybe he was being selfish for wanting more, but looking at the boy in front of him, he knows it was worth it, _everything_ was worth it.

“I’m in love with you”. He says without hesitation, a weight leaving his chest as soon as he spoke those words he’s been keeping inside of him for so long. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. _There was no backing up now_ “I am so in love with you not telling is killing me, I always have been, probably since the very beginning, and I always will. Sorry it took me so long to realise”.

He didn’t know what to expect once he opened, but he surely didn’t expect to find the younger crying. “I’m sorry”. Haechan breathes out, voice fragile and weak, and when Mark moves closer to whip the tears from his cheeks, he doesn’t push him away, but ends up putting some distance between the two of them after a long, shaky sigh.

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way!” His own voice comes out unnatural even to him, way too loud and way too bogus, a hollow smile drawn on his face. “I mean, I don’t blame you after-”

“It’s that I don’t feel the same way!”. Haechan cuts him, almost shouting, gaze piercing, and the whirlwind of emotions inside Mark just stops. _What?_ “It’s not that I don’t feel the same way” he repeats, quieter this time, tears starting to roll down his cheeks again. “It’s just- I’m afraid, Mark. All this time I told myself to get over you, at least in that way. All this time I told myself we’re better off as friends because I don’t know if I can handle any more heartbroken. But the more I wanted to forget you the more I wanted to run back and tell you I love you.” He sighs and looks into Mark’s eyes, they’re red from crying and Mark can’t help but wonder how many times he’s cried like this because of him. He is not sure if he wants to know the answer. “I would love to pretend nothing of all of that ever happened, that my heart doesn’t hurt every time I look at you, but I just can’t, I’m afraid it’s too late for that, Mark”. His own name sounds like a plead on the boy’s lips and he has never looked more fragile. If there was a way to mend his broken heart Mark would do it, even if meant he had to put together every piece of it.

“You don’t have to”. He says, sounding much more confident than he actually is. Hachan looks up to meet his gaze and the older gifts him a shy smile, taking one of his trembling hands between his. He realises he’s shaking too. “You don’t have to forget anything and you don’t have to open your heart to me again. I just wanted to let you know that I still love you, I always have but I was an idiot and a coward. All this time I had the answer before my very eyes but I just couldn’t accept it because I was afraid and I will never forgive myself for putting you through all that when you didn’t need to. You were always right even when I’m older but I never listened”. Mark sighs, his breath white against the dark night and allows himself to cup Hachean’s face with one of his hands “I want you to teach me how to love you right because I messed up the first time and I don’t want to lose you ever again and I know we said it was over and maybe I am being selfish, but I don’t want us to be over just yet, because I can’t picture a future where I’m not with you. You always waited for me, let me be the one waiting for you this time”.

And Mark really means that. He waits for Haechan to be ready and his heart healed, and allows himself to fall in love with the younger over again. They’ve had hard times, adjusting to each other, memorising every inch of skin, every mood swing, sharing tears of joy and sorrow alike, secrets they wouldn’t dare to tell anyone else, sharing everything never expecting something in return. They used to love so careless and jaunty, never thinking about the consequences, heart always on the line, and now they hurt, regretful about _what if’s_ and wishing to have done things differently, but all those hardships were what, in the end, tied them together.

Maybe Mark wasn’t a knight in shining armour, maybe he wasn’t what Haechan deserved, and maybe it was already too late for him to come back and ask for one more chance, but he was willing to try, and he just wanted Haechan to know that.

So they take their time, there’s no rush. They hanged out like they always had, they joked around like they always had, and they had each other like they always had. The only difference is that now Mark was sure about his feelings and was ready to fight for them.

That early May evening was no different from their usual, answers becoming clearer and quieter as days grew warmer and longer. They were sitting on Haechan’s bed, Mark’s guitar on his lap and Haechan’s mellow voice filling the air of the room. He never got tired of his singing, it didn’t matter if it was on stage, on tape or when it was just the two of them and his old guitar. He would even pretend to forget the lyrics of their favourite songs just so Haechan would sing them for him. It was a poor excuse, and the younger probably could see through his lie, but he always sang for him nevertheless, and Mark could feel himself falling even deeper every time. For Mark, Haechan’s voice was like a spring’s breeze, green grass under naked feet spattered with daisies and dandelions omening longer days; as warm as the gentle rays of sunlight slipping between the leaves of a leafy tree an august afternoon, soft crickets meeting the bird’s chirping in a hushed lullaby. For Mark, hearing Haechan’s voice felt like coming back home.

“Let me show you something”. Haechan said out of nowhere interrupting Mark’s train of thought, eyes sparking with excitement as he took Mark’s guitar off from him and placed it on his own lap. The older raised one of his eyebrows, eyes fixed on the other’s movements, but remained silent. “It’s not perfect yet” he added fingers playing nervously with the strings as he bitted his bottom lip and gifted Mark the most blinding smile he's ever seen. “But I really want to show you”.

And, without further ado, he started playing _“Man in the Mirror”._ It was, objectively, not perfect. There were traces of insecurity and nervousness in every note, some mistakes here and there, but Mark has never felt prouder. He smiled until his cheeks hurt and scooted over to help Haechan, mumbling soft _here’s_ and _there’s_ , indicating the younger where and how to place his fingers, and he could sense Haechan becoming more confident as the song progressed. He smiled at him and, as in cue, they started to sing together as they’ve done a thousand times.

It wasn’t until Haechan played the last chord of the song and they locked eyes that Mark realised how close they actually were.

“So” Haechan says, the sudden silence of the room suddenly deafening, his breath mixing with Mark’s and driving him out of his mind “how was it?”

“Beautiful” he confesses, but he isn’t sure if he’s talking about the song or the boy in front of him, Mark smiles wide, head over heels, eyes fixed on Haechan’s lips.

“Aw” the other coos in a low whisper Mark knew he was only able to hear due to their proximity, and he can feel Haechan inching closer and himself mirroring the action “you wanna kiss me so bad”. He adds with a smug smirk on his lips, and Mark would laugh and roll his eyes if the younger wasn’t so painfully right.

“So what if I do?” He bites back, suddenly fearless, eyes shifting between dark eyes and parted lips every inch of his body urging him to close the distance between them. His hand finds its way to Haechan’s cheek, thumb caressing it softly and slowly and stopping at the corner of his mouth in silent inquiry. When he looks up to meet Haechan’s gaze for confirmation he finds two dark orbs piercing him, hungrily. He gulps down.

“Hey, kids, wanna eat something? We’ve ordered takeout-” Taeyong abruptly opens the door of the room, and the three of them freeze for a moment before the older realises what was about to happen, eyes wide-open as he rushed to slam the door closed “SORRY! MY BAD! I- I DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING! JUST- CONTINUE LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!”

The two of them look at each other in astonishment, processing what just happened before starting to laugh like madmen; Mark whipping the tears out of the corner of his eyes, Haechan resting his forehead on his shoulder, and, for the first time in what’s felt like ages, it’s genuine and relaxed.

-

The next time they hang out it’s at Mark’s, their usual Saturday movie night. They were watching _Kissing Both_ , Haehcan’s choice and a terrible one if Mark was being honest, but he couldn’t say no to those puppy eyes. Plus, he loved to see the younger rant about protagonists and other stuff he wasn’t really paying attention to.One hour into the movie, he was listening to Haechan complaining about who knows what that he didn’t agreed with as he pointed at the screen of his laptop in front of them, shoulders touching and bodies leaning against each other so naturally as if they were meant to be just one body. He looked at the boy by his side, breath-takingly beautiful, caramel skin spattered with constellations he’s memorised religiously, soft bister locks of hair he so badly wanted to run his fingers through, full lips he was dying to taste.

“What’s wrong?” Haechan asks pausing the movie with a small frown after catching him staring, _again_. The younger meets his gaze and everything around Mark suddenly stops, two different shades of chocolate meeting in the middle, melting, dragging him deeper and deeper. He knew there was no scape for him, but resisting wasn’t a choice for him. Not anymore.

“Y’know?” He murmurs absentminded, body instinctively leaning in, his laptop completely forgotten, threatening to fall but he couldn’t care less. “I really want to kiss you right now”.

“Then why don’t you just do it?” Haechan whispers back, so he kisses him like his life depends on it. It’s not their first kiss, but kissing Haechan always managed to leave Mark breathless. It’s slow, nice, and soft, Haechan’s hands on his nape, playing with the end of his hair. Mark is fearless when he licks his bottom lips, asking for permission, which Haechan gladly grantees and deepens the kiss. They take their time remembering each other’s taste before breaking apart in need of air, foreheads touching, breathing irregular.

Mark looks at Haechan, and he drowns himself in his flustered cheeks, his caramel skin, his pretty lips and his shiny eyes, and everything seems to fit into place like puzzle pieces and he knew then that everything until that very moment moment was meant to be, _they_ were meant to be. _Together_.

“I love you” he whispers, and he really means it, it took him so long to realise just how much affection and love he had towards the younger but he finally could tell him sincerely. It wasn’t just empty infatuation, it wasn’t just a mere whim, and it was much more than just friendship. He was in love, so in love. I was almost a scary though; how deep you can fall for someone, how willingly you could be to give everything up just for one person, but nothing seemed that scary when he had had Haechan by his side. “I really, really love you”.

“I know, silly”. He lets out a hushed giggle and gifts Mark a quick peek on the lips. “For your information, I love you too. I always have and always will”. And just when Mark thought he couldn’t keep on falling for the boy in front of him, he finds himself going head over heels once again, like he’s only seventeen and doesn’t know a thing.

“Is it wrong if I ask you to be my boyfriend?” He asks, still high from the kiss.

“Thought you’d never ask” The younger mutters, smiling widely, before crossing the distance between them once more, and another one, and Mark swears he could get used to this.

The path they’ve chosen wasn’t an easy one, but, as Mark lost himself in stary eyes and soft kisses, he knew deep down that, no matter what, he wouldn’t have it any other way.


	3. Epilogue

There were no dull days in the dream dorm, especially when the seven of them were together. The sound of Chenle’s loud laughter and Jisung’s half-hearted complains could be heard from the lounge, probably bickering about _Mario Kart_ , as soft giggles and friendly banter filled the air of their kitchen.

It was a warm August evening, pink skies through the window as the sun sank down, hearts light, smiles wide and the night before them still young. Jaemin and Haechan were in the kitchen, Jeno helping them out as Mark could only watch them from afair for the, as Jaemin said, _wellbeing of his precious kitchen_. Mark could pretend to be upset, but he really wasn’t. Mainly because that meant he could steal not-so-subtle glances at his boyfriend’s back, heart skyrocketing every time the younger noticed his gaze and gifted him the softest smile every time their eyes met.

“Ah, young love, truly beautiful” Renjun sighed as he sat next to him, wearing a white hoodie, couple sizes bigger than him and a teasing smirk. Mark rolled his eyes but a fond smile betrayed his lips.

“Oh, shut up”. He said nudging the Chinese boy on the side, who just let out a breathy laugh.

“No, but seriously. I’m happy everything turned out fine for you two, I’ve never seen him this happy before. Not even when I treated him to sushi”. Renjun’s eyes fixed on Haechan and his smile darkened a little. “When he came to me crying his eyes out and looking like a mess, I really wanted to kill you for a moment y’know? I even told him to get over you for real. No offense.” He looked at Mark and there was no judgement nor blame in his eyes, just the sincerest kind of worry and Mark couldn’t really blame him, rather than that, he was thankful for him.

“Non taken”.

“But deep down I knew he wouldn’t, he couldn’t even if he wanted to”. Next to him, the Chinese boy signed as he sank on his seat, looking even smaller, eyes lost in the ceiling.

“It’s the same for me”. Mark confessed, scratching his neck in embarrassment.

“I know”. Renjun smiles at him softly and he knows he means it. “Just don’t break his heart, okay?”

“If I do, you have permission to kill me when the time comes” Renjun laughs and Mark notices there is relive in his eyes, like he just took off a heavy weight off his shoulders.

“Oh, don’t worry, I will”. Renjun winked at him as he pated his shoulder and, for a brief second, Mark actually feared for his life.

And just as Chenle screamed, running through the room announcing his victory at Mario Kart and Jisung shook his head pretending discontent, a fond smile betraying him, Jaemin announced the dinner was ready. Jeno helps Jaemin to set the table and serve the food, which stole the fondest smile and a low “thank you, honey” from the pink-haired.

“Oh my god, you’re such a married couple”. Chenle interrupts the moment faking a loud gag and making Jaemin roll his eyes and stick his tongue out like a five years old kids bickering.

“Jealous?” He asked, and next to him Jeno smiled as he kissed his boyfriend’s temple.

“I’ll have to propose first though”. He says like he’s just talking about the weather making Jaemin (and the whole room, honestly) literally choke on air and looks at his boyfriend, clearly startled. No one saw that coming and Jeno just laughs, pleased with the soft shade of pink of Jaemin’s cheeks.

“I better be your best man or you’re not getting married, Na Jaemin!” Haechan exclaims getting up from his seat while pointing a finger at him, threatening, and starting a heated fight over who’s going to be the couple’s best man, exposing their arguments like it was an _Ace Attorney_ trial as Jaemin stares blankly at nothing in particular, still processing.

“It’s not like it’s legal yet, so we can celebrate it anyway we want and all of you can be our best men”. Jeno laughed, and that seemed to be the perfect solution, all of them nodding in agreement.

“Now we only need to Chenle and Jisung to flirting and actually start dating so we can reach world peace” Renjun adds nonchalantly as Haechan swinged Jaemin around and babbled unintelligibility about how exciting _this_ was and that he needed a date, making the two kids choke on their food and blush violently.

“You’re just jealous you’re the only one of us without a boyfriend” Grumbled Chenle through his teeth, forced disdain and ears bright red.

“YET!” Renjun exclaimed pointing his chopsticks to Chenle, eyebrows knitted together, and it isn’t until a few seconds later realisation crosses his face, eyes going wide and mouth agape. “Oh, wait, does that mean-?” He looks at Chenle and then at Jisung and he doesn’t need to finish his question, the way the youngest turned into a living tomato and couldn’t look up from his plate was enough to tell. “Oh my God”. It’s all Renjun manages to say before the room erupts into literal chaos, everyone going feral and losing their mind as they hit each other and screamed “ _finally_ ”.

He looks at his friends, hitting the kid’s backs, congratulating and interrogating them, asking when were they going to tell them, faking indignation through bright smiles and light laughter and it just felt right, like it was meant to be.

He looks at Haechan, sitting next to him, laughing, beautiful, eyes lit with a thousand stars, and it just felt right. He looks at his boyfriend, his best friend, his _soulmate_ , and he swears to himself and the universe he will never give him up, that he will never stop fighting for this, for _them_. His right hand reaches for the younger’s, warm, fingers intertwined, and squeezes it lovingly. By his side, Haechan gifts him a bright smile and a quick peek on the lips, stealing his heart once again and he thinks that maybe they’ve actually reached world peace.

For Mark Lee, everything with Haechan used to be right in all the wrong ways. They used to be too young, too dumb and love too fast. They used to run and chase each other, a perfect storm they couldn’t escape from, searching for an answer in all the wrong places, at all the wrong times and breaking each other’s hearts in the process.

For Mark Lee, everything used to be so confusing, so scary and so overwhelming. He used to walk, lost in himself, not really knowing where his steps would lead him, not really knowing which was the right choice. He used to be so afraid, but he wasn’t anymore, because he has found his answer, he’s found Haechan, and they’ve found each other. Because, no matter what, Mark would always come back to Haechan and Haechan would always come back to Mark too, but this time, they were going to make things the right way.


End file.
